You know those canvas reusable bags that are sold near the cashier in grocery stores? I finally know how they’re going to get more people to use them. Are you ready for this? They’re going to increase the suckiness of plastic bags!

Back in the day I could trust one of those plastic bags to hold three cans of soup. No rips, dented cans or tears. But they must have brought out the crappy ones just before I bagged my stuff. I was carrying my bags to the door when I heard a loud thud. Usually I would ignore it, but I was hoping someone fell so I could laugh.

Nope. It was just my soup hitting the pavement. I grabbed it and carried on. It was only one can. Then I hear another thud. The second can decided to wait for me to walk near the mud for it to fall out. So I grab my cans and try to shove them inside my coat (for safe keeping). As I’m grabbing and readjusting myself on the lawn of my apartment complex, I hear a crack. Holy balls was that my rib?! No! It was my jar of spaghetti sauce falling to the ground, completely missing the mud and splatting onto the pavement.

Awesome.

I compose myself. Grab my dented cans and cracked sauce and walk, muddy shoes and all, into my apartment.

I get it Jewel, I get it.