Not all walls have to close in on you, bleed or sport spikes to be killers. No, no, no. In fact, the deadliest walls look innocent. They just hang out, looking wall-y with their paint and trim, ignoring you. But if you really look at them, and I mean really look, you’ll see that beneath that layer of paint lie the fate of others before you.

I’m talking about unspackled walls. You see the remains of previous holes from nails – foiled attempts at decorating. Occasionally you’ll come across painted over glue from those sticky hooks. This is a sign. A sign of what? A sign that your wall is an eff’in killer!

My walls claimed their first victims last night. Warning: It’s not pretty.

Five nails. Five nails tried to hang up a photo and five nails failed. With the first nail, I thought it was me. Was I holding the hammer wrong? Did I hit it at the wrong angle? But then I remembered, I’m awesome. Walls see me and they fear me. So I tried nail number two and well…it took five nails for me to realize that this wall is a murderer.

I should feel bad for bringing the nails to the mouth of the beast, but this fight is not over. Oh no. I remain victorious as two photos hang from that wall now. I won’t question how they’re staying up there – what matters is that they’re up there.