Even when I make a grocery list I’ve been known to stray. I’m an unfaithful shopper. Yesterday I was out picking up ingredients to make tacos when I took a stroll down the smell-good aisle. I walked past a display showing my HA! You-won’t-break-me face only to stop. Take four steps back and break. Stupid advertising! I was easily (almost too easily) suckered into buying an Air Wick Freshmatic.

I rationalized the purchase by using my cats. I have two. They occasionally smell. And every once in a while I’m known to burn some popcorn. Okay, why not!?

So I get home and bust that bad boy out. I randomly selected the scent so I was curious to see how my apartment would smell. I slapped in the batteries and can of smell-good and then I waited. I set the timer for 36 minutes. Or 32…? Hm…18? Well whatever. It wasn’t happening immediately so I watched a bit of TV.

Well sweet mother of all things calm that thing should be called Air Wick Freshmatic Heartattack Inducer. EVERY TIME it goes off I jump. EVERY TIME! It’s not a subtle “spriz” of fresh air, it’s more like a fart of fresh air, except it smells much better than a fart. Don’t get me wrong, I like it, but holy crap it scares the bejeebus out of me.

I guess my blood pressure is a small price to pay for a pleasant smelling apartment.