I rarely have one of those moments where I stop myself from writing something because someone I know reads this. I’m a fairly open person and sometimes I think I might share too much. I’ve given my blog URL out to family members in hopes that they’d read it. I think my mom might be the only regular but that’s okay.
I did decide to take the link off my outgoing emails only because I didn’t want to make it easier for future employers to find me 🙂 Not that I have anything to hide. If you’re not going to hire me because I write about plasma sperm, well, that sucks, but I don’t want to work for someone who doesn’t has a sense of humor. Anyway…I’m getting off track.
Today I’m having one of those “crap” moments. I want to write about what’s currently happening to my relationship. I want to express my frustration with myself and him. I want to be bitter and immature. I want to complain about all the shit I put up with. I want to throw a mini tantrum even though I know none of it will help. I want to reminisce about past trips and warm hugs.
There is so much I want to say but feel like I can’t because he reads this. Not only him, but some of his friends. I don’t want him to stop reading it either because I still feel like he’s connected some how. I just don’t want to verbally attack him or seem like I am belittling him on my blog. I don’t want my readers hating the person I describe. A selfish part of me doesn’t want to come off as the bad guy. Er, girl.
I don’t want to make it harder for him to have to read my words and see what I am going through. My intent is not to make him hurt more. While I don’t necessarily feel that he would, I have an underlying guilt issue and worry too much about the wellbeing of others. Would he even care? I doubt anything would change. Obviously I shouldn’t care. He’s putting me through this. But is he? I’m the one who chose to stay with somebody who couldn’t give me what I needed. So why should I take it out on him?
I think I’m so angry right now that I’d probably writing things I’d regret anyway. It sucks. I know that some day I will write about what’s going on and he can choose to read or not to read. I can’t control anyone’s reactions. it’s times like these I wish I had an anonymous outlet so I could be as raw and honest as I’d like.