In my 24 years of life I’ve managed to acquire a plethora of knowledge and smarts. I realized recently that I’ve been too selfish with my smarts. I’ve been hoarding them and not sharing any of them with you. Today that all changes. You might want to sit down because I’m about to share some of my infinite wisdom with you. Today’s topic is:

How to fail at school: A step-by-step guide to making sure you suck.

Step 1 – Make sure your schedule is Science-heavy. Have an English or art class in there? Get rid of it! You don’t need it! You might want to throw in a class you’ve never taken before so you can dive right into the unknown and waste a couple thousand doing it.

Step 2 – When scheduling said Science courses, be sure that you don’t give yourself enough time between classes for anything. This goes for the time immediately between classes on that day as well as the days of the week. If you have biology, math and chemistry all within three hours on Wednesday, make sure you have them again on Thursday.

Step 3 – Be sure that at least one of those courses in an online course. I recommend math as that is something that you should be teaching to yourself. No teacher required. It also helps if you have an anatomy course online. Being held responsible to catch up on three days of lectures before a lab is awesome.

Step 4 – Spend $133 on a giant ass book that you will never use. Take the plastic off. Congratulations. Now you will not be able to get full value when you return that book you never once used.

Step 5 – Fail four out of five of your first tests. Now this is going to take some talent, but trust me it’s possible. Not only is it a real boost to the ego, it’s also a good opportunity to try to convince yourself that “F” stands for “Fabulous,” “Fierce,” or “Financially F*cked.”

Step 6 – Find a tutor who gives you the wrong formula. Never mind that he is in a level three class and you’re in level one. That formula is a tricky bitch.

Step 7 – Once the deadline for withdrawal has passed, consider withdrawing from a course.

Step 8 – While struggling to balance everything see if it’s possible to throw in some health issues or family drama. Nothing helps more than some completely unnecessary and retarded family drama.

Step 9 – This is the most important step so pay close attention. Have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any given time. If someone asks you, “What did he say?” you reply with “I have no clue.” Let’s practice.

Student: “Hey, did you figure out the formula for number 12?”
You: “I have no eff’in idea what’s going on lady.”

Student #2: “What’s today’s date?”
You: “Belly button.”

Student #3: “I think your brain is falling out of your head.”
You: “Gingerbread house!”

If you follow my 9-step plan to failure, you’ll hit the bottom in no time. If you recommend my methods to your friends I’ll even throw in a completely useless chemistry book. (Never mind the bite marks.) I suggest you review these steps with a partner and commit them to memory. They are also available in wallet-size versions. Originally in poster size, but you won’t be in that dorm much longer so why bother decorating?!