Sometimes unexpected communication can spark unexpected thoughts. This weekend I found myself thinking back to where I was a year ago.
I was saying goodbye to him and Boston a year ago, only to say hello again to him in Atlanta. I spent some time reflecting on those few months and it’s become a lot easier to go back there. Sure my heart aches when I think of how in love I was. I still feel foolish for sticking around as long as I did. But I’m slowly finding peace with the situation.
The answers I’ve been waiting for? They’ve been right in front of me all along. The absence, the “I don’t knows,” and the pulling away…they’re all answers. He didn’t fight because he didn’t want to. There’s no need to question it further. He didn’t love me because he wasn’t ready to. That’s all I need to know. (Now if only I could be okay with that!)
Anyway, the point of this was to see how far I’ve come in the last six months. I’m learning how to live without him and I’m finding what it is I really want in a relationship. What do I need? What will I not tolerate?
Well for starters I will not tolerate distance. Technology will never replace a real hug. I don’t miss the anxiety and uncertainty in not knowing when I’ll see him again. I don’t want to date a phone. I really missed the spontaneity in a relationship. “Wanna hang out in 17 minutes?” “Sure.” Okay, maybe I’m not THAT spontaneous, but not having to book a flight two months in advance to see one movie with the guy is a HUGE relief.
Plus less expensive. Of course, there is always another side to this. For example, I have no clue how to be in a local relationship. The distance provided me with “me” time. No one was cramping my style. There was no risk of seeing too much of each other. I’m learning how to balance all of that though. Just be patient with me.
What do I need? Above all things I need someone to have the courage to be honest with me. Don’t leave me hanging on that rope, hoping I’ll cut myself down.
We had good times and I’m very grateful for them. It wasn’t all bad and for a period in time I was at my happiest. He encouraged me and supported decisions I’ve made. He was my best friend and I’ll always be thankful for that. At times it seems like it’s getting harder to remember him as my boyfriend. I’ll never forget him. Bits and pieces of him are still with me. But sometimes when I think of him, his face is a bit blurrier than last time. Conversations are forgotten. Maybe this is letting go…