The other night a message went out. Some might say it was a call to arms, a siren song or a desperate cry for attention. It doesn’t matter what it’s called. I just know one thing for certain: I read it.

“I will pay someone one dollar to blog for me tomorrow,” Free and Flawed wrote on her Twitter. What was I supposed to do, NOT respond? Paris fell because of people like that. No, I did like any true capitalist in these trying times of ours and lowered my price to ensure that I would get the job (I’m looking at you, Warren Buffet). I countered at 75 cents, hoping that I wouldn’t come off as too cheap. “75 is a bargain. 50 would be cheap,” Free and Flawed responded. Touche. Et également je reconnais votre point plein d’esprit. [translation: And also I acknowledge your witty point.]

Again my reputation as a suave negotiator came in handy. (FYI: I studied under Jack Welch. Which is really just a fancy way of saying that I did my homework in the basement of the G.E. building.) I told Free and Flawed that 68 cents was my final offer (you taught me well, Welch) and she reluctantly agreed. Her only question was, “How would you like that? Quarters? Dimes? Check?” I preferred check. The reason for this is three-fold:

1. I like to get things in the mail.
2. The style of check a person uses says a lot about them, be it clowns, the Chicago skyline, or Snoopy (I’m looking at you, Warren Buffet).
3. I belong to a rap duo called Chex & Balansez and it’s kind of my M.O. to get paid by check.

With the long and rocky negotiation behind us it was then time for me to figure out what I wanted to write my guest blog about.

Which is to say, um, did anyone else watch Dancing with the Stars the other night?(Confession: I did not.)

Perhaps I should just stick with the negotiating side of blogging and not the ‘coming up with ideas’ side. Any bloggers out there need an agent? My experience, you ask? The brother of the guy who Ari Gold from Entourage is based on used to be my Congressman. How’s THAT for experience? With that kind of background I’m a little surprised I never considered this career for myself before.

I think my work here is done. You know where to find me.